Learning to Communicate
The journey started with a simple question:
Why do I want to become an exceptional communicator?
The answer goes back much further than I expected.
As a child, I was bullied throughout elementary school. Like many people who experience that kind of rejection, I spent years figuring out how to compensate. By the time I reached university, I had become highly social and outgoing. I organized parties almost every weekend and learned how to attract positive attention.
But eventually, parties lost their appeal.
As I grew older, I became fascinated by something deeper: understanding people.
That curiosity led me into a government role where building relationships and gathering human intelligence or called (HUMINT) for short was a central part of my work. For more than a decade, I operated in environments where communication wasn’t merely helpful—it was essential. The stakes were real. Success depended on understanding people, earning trust, reading situations accurately, and influencing outcomes.
Those years taught me lessons that few people ever encounter firsthand.
Eventually, I decided I wanted to use those skills differently.
Rather than studying persuasion for intelligence gathering, I wanted to teach communication to help people become better leaders, stronger professionals, and more effective human beings. Communication can be used to manipulate, but it can also be used to inspire, educate, and create positive change.
The choice matters.
Over the years, I’ve discovered a handful of principles that consistently improve communication.
1. Slow Down Before You Speak
Most communication problems begin before a single word is spoken.
Before communicating, I ask myself:
What is the message?
What outcome am I trying to achieve?
What do I want this person to understand, remember, or do?
If I am unclear, my audience will be confused.
Clarity begins with having a clear vision in your own mind before attempting to communicate it to someone else.
2. Focus on the Other Person
One of the biggest communication mistakes is making the conversation about ourselves.
Effective communication requires a shift in focus.
Instead of asking, “What do I want to say?” ask:
“What does this person need to hear?”
The moment we stop thinking primarily about ourselves and start thinking about our audience, communication improves dramatically.
A message only succeeds when it connects with the listener.
3. Understand Your Audience
Good communicators don’t just know their topic—they know their audience.
Demographics can be useful, but they only scratch the surface.
To truly connect with people, understand:
- Their challenges
- Their goals
- Their fears
- Their motivations
- Their frustrations
When you understand what matters to people, you can communicate in ways that are meaningful and relevant to them.
4. Important Messages Need Repetition
Many people assume that saying something once is enough.
It rarely is.
When I communicate an important idea, I intentionally repeat it several times throughout the conversation. Not because people are unintelligent, but because attention is limited.
People are distracted.
They’re thinking about work, family, finances, notifications, and a dozen other concerns competing for their attention.
If a message truly matters, it deserves reinforcement.
Interestingly, research suggests that simply having a smartphone nearby can reduce a person’s ability to focus.
Here an article from Telegraph
Just looking at your smartphone makes you less intelligent, study finds
Here an article from Forbes
4 Ways Your Smartphone Is Making You Dumber
For that reason, I often verify that people have understood what I’ve said rather than assuming they have.
5. Listen More Than You Talk
Patience is one of the most underrated communication skills.
People want to be heard.
That means listening not only to what is being said, but also to what is left unsaid.
One lesson I’ve learned repeatedly is this:
People are generally less interested in how much you know than they are in how much you care.
The famous quote often attributed to Theodore Roosevelt captures this idea perfectly:
“People don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care.”
Whether Roosevelt actually said it or not, the principle remains true.
For analytical and highly intellectual people, this can be difficult to accept. I know because I am one.
6. Let Go of the Need to Impress
For years, I enjoyed demonstrating what I knew.
Many intelligent people do.
But over time, something unexpected happened.
The more experience I gained, the less interested I became in proving myself.
Today, when I meet someone knowledgeable or accomplished, my first instinct is no longer to impress them.
It’s to learn from them.
Curiosity creates better conversations than expertise ever will.
This principle is echoed throughout Dale Carnegie’s classic book, How to Win Friends and Influence People.
When we create space for others to speak, people naturally become more engaged, open, and authentic.
7. Practice Mindfulness
One of the most valuable communication tools I’ve found has nothing to do with speaking.
It’s mindfulness suprisingly it dramatically increases self-awareness and as secondary benefit emotional intelligence.
Mindfulness helps me slow down, quiet my internal dialogue, and pay closer attention to the person in front of me.
As a result, I notice more.
I observe subtle facial expressions, shifts in posture, changes in tone, and other nonverbal signals that often reveal more than words alone.
These small cues provide valuable insight into what people are thinking and feeling—even when they are not consciously expressing it.
A useful question to carry into every conversation is:
“What can I learn from this person’s experience?”
Every individual has knowledge, lessons, and perspectives that can teach us something valuable.
Even when we disagree, there is often something worth learning.
Helping Others Feel Good About Themselves
One of the most powerful interpersonal skills is making other people feel valued.
Nothing more than this simple tactic can really motivate sometimes of people
People remember those who make them feel respected, understood, and appreciated.
This ability will benefit your relationships, leadership, career, and personal life more than almost any communication technique.
Watch some of my informative videos, where I discuss the importance of active listening.
As Maya Angelou wisely observed:
“People may not remember what you said, but invariably will always remember how you made them feel.”
Covid-19 and Interpersonal Communications – A Quick Personal Observation
Communication in the Post-Covid Era
One final personal observation.
Since Covid-19, I’ve noticed subtle changes in the way many people interact.
People often seem more cautious, less approachable, sometimes ruder and more inclined to remain within trusted social circles.
Fear and uncertainty have a way of narrowing our world.
Unfortunately, those emotional states can activate our natural fight-or-flight responses, making meaningful communication more difficult.
Rebuilding openness, trust, and genuine human connection may take time.
For me, mindfulness continues to be an important tool for maintaining balance and staying connected to others.
Communication, after all, is not simply about exchanging information.
It is about understanding people.
